Friday, February 11, 2011

Ten Ways to Build Healthy Relationships

Oprah Winfrey said:  "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." My interpretation of this is simple:  people who really care about you are there through thick and thin!.  I'm sure many of you have experienced the lonely place of watching someone, who you thought was a "good" friend, walk away or not be there for you when you needed them.  If you have encountered something like this, take the time to reflect on what is important to you in a relationship. Who are the people you want in your life?  What qualities are important to you in a relationship?  How do you play a role in establishing and maintaining relationships?  The health of any relationship is really up to us.  Take a look at the list below and see if there is something new you can try:
  1. Make a list of the qualities you want in others - What do you value in another person?  Is it reliability, positivity, humor, honesty, or flexibility.  Think about someone who is a good friend and make a list of their characteristics that make them special. Make a list and then go to #2.
  2. Choose your friends wisely - This is crucial to developing satisfying relationships.  Use the list you created in #1 and choose accordingly. You won't find all of your qualities in just one person because we have different types of relationships who have different characteristcs.  For instance, you might value 'fun' and have a friend you love going to the movies with but would never share your deepest feelings. 'Trust' is also very important to you and you may have a long-term friend who is very trustworthy and you tell her everything! Identifying these qualities makes it much easier to evaluate both seasoned and new relationships. 
  3. Be responsible for your own happiness - You are solely in control of your own happiness.  Relationships can break down when we expect others to make us happy and then blame them when we are not. Make yourself happy...no one else can do this for you.
  4. Nurture your relationships - Just like a flower that needs good soil, sun, and water, our connections with others require nutrients.  Reaching out through a telephone call, email, or visit are some ways to initiate contact.  Sitting home and hoping the relationship will grow without any action is unrealistic.
  5. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly - Often, we hope others will automatically notice what we need and magically give us what we want.  Most people I know are not mind-readers!  Letting others know what it is you need is the best way to get what you want and to build trust.
  6. Listen - Effective listening requires quiet time and this inevitably involves shutting down...electronically that is.  This can be quite difficult, I know, but it will tell others you are really interested in them.
  7. Recognize that all relationships have peaks and valleys - There is no perfect relationship.  As individuals, we have our own daily ups and downs.  Relationships are no different.  Understanding this will help you control your reactions.  Sometimes space and time is all a relationship needs to move forward.
  8. Enhance relationships by bringing in new interests - It's normal for people to get bored and for relationships get stale.  Sign up for a class, take up a new leisure activity, read a new book together and definitely have fun!
  9. Provide support - Support can come in many forms.  Whether you are listening to another's problems, helping with errands, or giving a hug, supporting each other is one of the many blessings of a friendship.
  10. Check your expectations - Remember that our expectations of others can be unrealistic.  As emphasized earlier, identify what you would like in a relationship, make sure it is practical, and use this as a gauge for developing healthy and meaningful relationships.

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