Success is an inside job....

I remember a professor in one of my courses, some years back, presented findings on a study conducted by Dr. Martin Seligman on how positive mental attitude (PMA) impacts performance. So he studied PMA with sales agents at a major life insurance company. His findings discovered that those agents who anticipated a positive reponse outsold those who had a more negative outlook by 37%!! Even those agents who failed the entrance exam but who had high performance expectations, outsold the average insurance agent!!

In order to change our lives, we must first change our thinking. I have heard it said that we have up to 50,000 thoughts per day and about 70-80% of them are negative! If we are looking for positive results, we need to start challenging these thoughts. This practice is about both limiting our incessant negative self-talk and creating a new inner voice that tells us anything is possible!

Below are some strategies to start practicing. I can truly say PMA strategies have changed my life. Start taking control of your thoughts and see what happens!

1. Thought Awareness - Start to notice your self-talk. Pay attention to your inner voice or even the outer comments you make under your breath sometimes. You know the ones..."What an idiot, I can't do that, I might as well just give up, I'm such a loser." When you catch yourself, simply reverse the thought and replace it with a positive one.

2. Thought Diversion - When you are confronted with negative thoughts, change it to something else. Think of someone special, something funny, or a task you will be doing later. Sometimes it is easier to change a thought by actually doing something. When you start a task, your mind focuses on that instead of the thought.

3. Positive Affirmations - Create a positive statement you can use at anytime and anywhere. For instance, let's say you have a new career goal of starting a new business, and negative thoughts keep creeping in doubting your ability to be successful. A very simple statement such as, "I will be successful" will work. Knock out the negativity by repeating this statement over and over again. This will have an impact on your subconscious mind as well and eventually it will become a more automatic thought.

4. Surround Yourself With Positive People - Spend time with people who are positive, successful, and supportive. Ask them about their PMA and how they developed it. Ask them to support you in your goals and pursuits.

5. Educate Yourself - Go to the book store and find books that talk about ways to develop positive thinking. One example is Dr. Seligman's book titled, "Learned Optimism...How to Change Your Mind and Your Life." There are many books that can teach you all sorts of strategies and others that introduce you to people who have achieved their dreams with PMA.

Good luck and have a great day...because it will be a good day!!!

All You Need is Love

I spent most of this morning in my car driving to various appointments and meetings.  I began to wonder why the radio stations were playing so many love songs, and then when I stopped for gas the attendant wished me a Happy Valentine's Day!  Oh, right.  What's the matter with me?  Of course, since I have had a long-term aversion to Hallmark holidays, I did not have this highlighted in my calendar.  My husband and I feel the same way (Whew!) about holidays, it usually passes us by without fanfare (okay, maybe one delectible, pink cook or chocolate treat).  However, after hearing several Beattle songs in a row, you know the ones -- Can't Buy Me Love, Love Me Do, All You Need is Love -- I realized I wanted to blog about LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

How would you describe love?  Is it passion, adoraton, respect, devotion, friendship, affection, kindness, desire, romance? Has it changed during different stages of your life? How would you describe the different types of love you feel for a family member, friend, or life partner?

In my own life, the concept of love has changed almost with each decade of my life. At the beginning, my notion of love was intertwined with early life experiences (thank you Mr. Freud). Yes, I looked for love in all the wrong places (as Edddy Murphy once said in his long-ago Saturday Night Live song). I thought love was about romance, good sex, and companionship, and to some degree those are important. And of course I picked partners who could give me some of that, but I soon realized I was looking for something more (and so were they!), a deeper and more expansive connection. I feel lucky that through therapy and life coaching, I have learned to meet many of my own needs and decide on the qualities I so desire in another person. It has taken a long time, but I found what I believe is true love. I think there is no limit to love, however, and I continue to explore this in my own life.

I do not profess to know alot about Buddhism but I am reading and learning more everyday. I think there is much we can learn about love from this world philosopy. Buddhism talks about the importance of developing love and compassion for others first; and then, we naturally develop our own sense of well-being. It also talks about the experience of love being associated with not just beauty and romance but with pain and ugliness. This notion of universal love, is about accepting the good and the bad and being open to the wholeness of life. I like this!

So today, on this LOVE day, I have learned this: Love starts with reaching outside of ourselves, developing a healthy sense of self, and understanding that it is a balance of pleasure and pain. Something to definitely ponder. Whether you have love in your life or not, it is a great day to start thinking about your own definition of love. Love can come and go but our passion for true love starts with knowing what it is for you. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Ten Ways to Build Healthy Relationships

Oprah Winfrey said:  "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." My interpretation of this is simple:  people who really care about you are there through thick and thin!.  I'm sure many of you have experienced the lonely place of watching someone, who you thought was a "good" friend, walk away or not be there for you when you needed them.  If you have encountered something like this, take the time to reflect on what is important to you in a relationship. Who are the people you want in your life?  What qualities are important to you in a relationship?  How do you play a role in establishing and maintaining relationships?  The health of any relationship is really up to us.  Take a look at the list below and see if there is something new you can try:

1. Make a list of the qualities you want in others - What do you value in another person?  Is it reliability, positivity, humor, honesty, or flexibility.  Think about someone who is a good friend and make a list of their characteristics that make them special. Make a list and then go to #2.
2. Choose your friends wisely - This is crucial to developing satisfying relationships.  Use the list you created in #1 and choose accordingly. You won't find all of your qualities in just one person because we have different types of relationships who have different characteristcs.  For instance, you might value 'fun' and have a friend you love going to the movies with but would never share your deepest feelings. 'Trust' is also very important to you and you may have a long-term friend who is very trustworthy and you tell her everything! Identifying these qualities makes it much easier to evaluate both seasoned and new relationships. 
3. Be responsible for your own happiness - You are solely in control of your own happiness.  Relationships can break down when we expect others to make us happy and then blame them when we are not. Make yourself happy...no one else can do this for you.
4. Nurture your relationships - Just like a flower that needs good soil, sun, and water, our connections with others require nutrients.  Reaching out through a telephone call, email, or visit are some ways to initiate contact.  Sitting home and hoping the relationship will grow without any action is unrealistic.
5. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly - Often, we hope others will automatically notice what we need and magically give us what we want.  Most people I know are not mind-readers!  Letting others know what it is you need is the best way to get what you want and to build trust.
6. Listen - Effective listening requires quiet time and this inevitably involves shutting down...electronically that is.  This can be quite difficult, I know, but it will tell others you are really interested in them.
7. Recognize that all relationships have peaks and valleys - There is no perfect relationship.  As individuals, we have our own daily ups and downs.  Relationships are no different.  Understanding this will help you control your reactions.  Sometimes space and time is all a relationship needs to move forward.
8. Enhance relationships by bringing in new interests - It's normal for people to get bored and for relationships get stale.  Sign up for a class, take up a new leisure activity, read a new book together and definitely have fun!
9. Provide support - Support can come in many forms.  Whether you are listening to another's problems, helping with errands, or giving a hug, supporting each other is one of the many blessings of a friendship.
10. Check your expectations - Remember that our expectations of others can be unrealistic.  As emphasized earlier, identify what you would like in a relationship, make sure it is practical, and use this as a gauge for developing healthy and meaningful relationships.

Do you have a Life Map?

Yesterday, I attended an important business meeting. I did not realize how important it was until I was driving home and got stuck on the highway for 45 minutes.  Aah, lots of time to think!!  The original purpose of the meeting was, yes, to network, but I like keeping up with new business trends, and the morning was spent on just that.  I learned lots of great technical information, and I met many new business associates.  On top of that, quite unexpectedly, I was invited to interview for an interesting consulting role with a prestigious organization in my area.  I listened with great enthusiasm about this potential role.  I jumped at the opportunity and we set up a time to meet.  What an incredibly productive meeting.  I pulled out of the parking garage feeling high as a kite and butterflys in my stomach.

Here comes the but part, of course.  As my trip home continued, my butterflys turned into a rather annoying stomach ache, and it did not have anything to do with the traffic jam.  It has taken a very long time for me to start to listen to my intuition, and it was speaking to me. 

Several years ago, I developed a Life Map, or Vision as it is called sometimes, that is clear, direct, and based on very significant personal and professional values.  When I tend to steer away from it, my intuition screams and says something like, "Don't do it.  You know better.  Sure, the money might be great but it's not part of your plan."  Notoriously, I get a stomach ache!  My vision statement has helped me make small and major life decisions.  It is a concrete, technical, value-laden  plan that is steeped in a strong belief about who I am and what I want my life to look like. 

The Lama Thubeten Yeshe Rinpoche said, "If you have a map, you won't get lost."  This describes his perspective on why Tibetan Buddhism is alive and well today.  It has a clear path outlined in its Four Noble Truths, providing a structure from beginning to end.  Without knowledge, belief, and structure, one cannot go all the way (The Pocket Tibetan Buddhism Reader by Reginald A. Ray).  Having a life vision is a structured plan that can help you go all the way!

Do you have a Life Vision?  Have you thought about what is missing from your life?  Do you feel your life has purpose and meaning?  Understanding this is the key to living a satisfying, fufilled, and meaningful life.   Creating your life vision or map will take you all the way.  For help, check out my website and send me an email or call and we can talk more about it. 

PS - I have decided not to follow through with the interview! Not easy but right for me.

For more information on the Four Noble Truths:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths