I spent most of this morning in my car driving to various appointments and meetings. I began to wonder why the radio stations were playing so many love songs, and then when I stopped for gas the attendant wished me a Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, right. What's the matter with me? Of course, since I have had a long-term aversion to Hallmark holidays, I did not have this highlighted in my calendar. My husband and I feel the same way (Whew!) about holidays, it usually passes us by without fanfare (okay, maybe one delectible, pink cook or chocolate treat). However, after hearing several Beattle songs in a row, you know the ones -- Can't Buy Me Love, Love Me Do, All You Need is Love -- I realized I wanted to blog about LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
How would you describe love? Is it passion, adoraton, respect, devotion, friendship, affection, kindness, desire, romance? Has it changed during different stages of your life? How would you describe the different types of love you feel for a family member, friend, or life partner?
In my own life, the concept of love has changed almost with each decade of my life. At the beginning, my notion of love was intertwined with early life experiences (thank you Mr. Freud). Yes, I looked for love in all the wrong places (as Edddy Murphy once said in his long-ago Saturday Night Live song). I thought love was about romance, good sex, and companionship, and to some degree those are important. And of course I picked partners who could give me some of that, but I soon realized I was looking for something more (and so were they!), a deeper and more expansive connection. I feel lucky that through therapy and life coaching, I have learned to meet many of my own needs and decide on the qualities I so desire in another person. It has taken a long time, but I found what I believe is true love. I think there is no limit to love, however, and I continue to explore this in my own life.
I do not profess to know alot about Buddhism but I am reading and learning more everyday. I think there is much we can learn about love from this world philosopy. Buddhism talks about the importance of developing love and compassion for others first; and then, we naturally develop our own sense of well-being. It also talks about the experience of love being associated with not just beauty and romance but with pain and ugliness. This notion of universal love, is about accepting the good and the bad and being open to the wholeness of life. I like this!
So today, on this LOVE day, I have learned this: Love starts with reaching outside of ourselves, developing a healthy sense of self, and understanding that it is a balance of pleasure and pain. Something to definitely ponder. Whether you have love in your life or not, it is a great day to start thinking about your own definition of love. Love can come and go but our passion for true love starts with knowing what it is for you. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have been doing a lot lately with the Buddhist practice of lovingkindness (metta), and that approach actually says kind of the the opposite--we have to be able to give ourselves unconditional love and forgiveness before (or as we) love others. Check out Sharon Salzberg's book of the same name; the best thing I've read during my year-long "challenge."
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I agree that often self-love is a precursor to loving others. However, I also believe that it can spring from many places. I have worked with many people who have felt great emptiness and meaning in their lives but as they focused on "giving" to the external world, they developed a new concept of self, including respect, appreciation, and purpose. I have also seen many people, without self-love, give to the world in outstanding ways. His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama said: "Above all, we must put others before us and keep others in our mind constantly: the self must be placed last. All our doings and thinkings must be motivated by compassion for others." I wonder if the development of internal and external love are organically interwoven and work together for the greater good. Hmmmm. Thanks again for your thought-provoking comments.
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