Stuck!!

Anneli Rufus, author of "Stuck", outlines several reasons people have difficulty moving forward. I first noticed her book because of the cover, which displays a bee stuck onto a lollipop. It really captured my attention because it visually represented just how I had been feeling at that particular time in my life. I felt like my legs were unmovable. In fact, I had a recurring dream during that period that I was trying to walk but my legs would not move. I was trapped in my conscious and unconscious self!!

Needless to say, I was able to extricate myself from that quagmire but it sure would have been easier had I known about this book. She describes many situations and behaviors that hold us back in life such as the comfort of our past life, well-established habits, and dependence on others. As you read, it becomes very clear what actions or non-actions have prevented us from accomplishing important personal or professional goals.

As a Life Coach, helping others to identify those elements that keep them locked in an unfulfilled life is often the first step to moving forward. I recommend this book as a great place to start.

Doing vs. Thinking

Leonardi da Vinci's quote sums it up for me: "I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do." As a Life Coach, I meet many people who get stuck in their heads, thinking and planning until they are so paralyzed by confusion, fear, and exhaustion they never take the first action step toward a goal. Do you have great ideas but can't seem to follow through?

One reason for this might have to do with your "thinking" style. Dr. Edward de Bono, a well known author of many books on the benefits of lateral thinking, writes about the importance of utilizing many different thinking styles for everyday life and complex life problems. In his book, Six Thinking Hats: The Power of Focused Thinking, he talks about the importance of challenging traditional thinking styles of individuals, organizations, and the world if the goal is innovation and success.
Lateral thinking, sometimes referred to as creative thinking, moves us into a different realm by helping us to step outside of the box and look at a variety of variables and alternatives when dealing with situations, solving problems, and making life decisions. It can broaden perspectives and help develop innovative ideas and solutions. This approach also helps to expand our insights both consciously and unconsciously. Here is a brief description of each strategy:

1) White Hat Thinking: Looks at facts and information
2) Red Hat Thinking: Pays attention to intuition, feelings and emotions
3) Black Hat Thinking: Plays devil’s advocate
4) Green Hat Thinking: Utilizes creativity and alternatives
5) Yellow Hat Thinking: Looks at the logical positive aspect of things
6) Blue Hat Thinking: Assesses all the thinking that has been done about the subject.

Another common reason people get stuck in their heads has to do with perspectives on and underlying beliefs about the concept of action. Being in action isn't always about climbing mountains, running a marathan, or speed dating. A simple movement can be reading and gathering information on an idea, meditating to relax and gain perspective, writing about feelings, goals or plan, talking and collaborating with others, attending groups, etc. Acknowledging ourselves for the steps we have taken, even small movements, helps promote momentum and energy for more.

Once we start to "do", goals often become clearer and steps more effective. So, if you feel stuck with a personal or professional goal, remember that flexible thinking combined with action steps are important elements for successful outcomes. So try on a different hat this week and see what happens!

Reframing Failure

In Tavis Smiley's new book, "Fail Up: 20 Lessons on Building Success from Failure" he describes how opportunity and success are often just beneath the surface of "disappointment, despair, or disgrace." As he shares his own life stories, he is able to reflect on how his past "failures" actually turned out to be incredible life lessons that propelled him upward to great success. His book is inspiring and real!

But we all have our own stories and life failures don't we? I can look back at many events in my life, feeling at the time that I had failed miserably at something, only to see it as a lesson and stepping-stone to a small or great success later on. Smiley's book got me thinking about how our perceptions color our actions. I have written in earlier blogs about how our thoughts influence our actions. Positive action results from positive, accurate thinking. It is important, then, at some point in life, to look back at those events and incidents and see how they led us to a new and better place. But the more difficult task, I believe, is to be able to do this when we are in the middle of a difficult situation. How do you change your view on a perceived failure as you are experiencing it? Here is a technique that has helped me reframe my perceptions.

Literally, get an unused picture frame and keep it out in a visible location. When you are feeling stuck in what you see is a "spiral of failure," pick it up, look into it, and create a new picture by using some of these strategies:

1. Look for 5 lessons you have learned from the present situation so far.
2. Identify 5 potential, positive opportunities that might arise.
3. Recall 5 perceived failures you have experienced in your life in the past that turned out to be successes.
4. Read about successful people and their stuggles with failure.
5. Talk to friends and family to help you gain a new view of your situation.

This exercise can be quite powerful in changing our perceptions on failure. I wish you good luck in failing up!

Women, Money, and Power

Today I met with Lisa Gresham who is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and founder of Equitable Divorce Solutions, LLC at a networking event. Having survived divorce, I was intrigued by her unique niche and the type of women she works with. I imagined she met with many women from my mother's generation who were not financially prepared or educated to proceed on their own after their divorce. It was not uncommon for women of my mother's age group to rely on their husbands to manage the finances. What I was surpised to find out, however, is that women of today still find themselves in these same cultural roles. When divorce rears its ugly head, women are often caught off guard, unclear about what the household finances are or where they are for that matter. But, as I looked back at my divorce, I realized I had done the same thing. Never being particularly comfortable with numbers, budgets and finances, I gladly endorsed my husband as the financial manager of the house and kept my head in the sand. Was I shocked to find out that he had a separate bank account when we were getting divorced!

So why does this happen? Why are women still handing over financial management to others? There are many explanations. First, men and women are socialized to conceptualize money in different ways. There is a great article in Psychology Today that describes this more fully (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199901/men-women-and-money?page=2). As started earlier, in the U.S., it has been a cultural norm that men look after the finances and women manage the household. But I propose another reason and it has to do with power, or the perception of the lack of it.

There are many types of power and here are a few:

1) Legitimate Power: This comes from a position one holds and is related to roles and skills. For example, a parent, boss, president has this type of power.
2) Expert Power: This derives from expertise in a particular area and can be related to education, training, experience, etc.
3) Cultural Power: This stems from cultural norms of a group or society. Men and women's roles vary greatly depending on this.
4) Information Power: This comes from having valuable information or ways to obtain and access it.
5) Connection Power: This is based on who you know.

Dictionary.com defines power as taking action and the capability of doing or accomplishing something. So I started thinking about why I ignored my finances and let another manage my hard-earned money, and I realized something. There was a time I did not have any expertise, information, or connection power regarding money. And because of this, I always felt intimidated and powerless. But taking classes, talking to financial experts, finding female financial mentors, and searching for information can equip you with the power you need to be in charge. Of course, working together with a significant other on money matters is important and there even might be one of you who is more naturally inclined to take on this role. But both parties can participate.

Reclaiming your power in any arena of your life starts with information. Talk with others, read, study, learn and become a woman with Expert Power. Remember, you are a women and this gives you Legitimate Power in all sorts of ways!

If you are going through a divorce and need help, you can contact Lisa Gresham at Equitable Divorce Solutions, LLC, 203-245-1225 or www.EquitableDivorce.net

Boosters vs Busters.....How To Build Self-Esteem

Self-esteem,the ability to feel capable, loveable, and worthwhile, is complicated. We start to develop a self-image very early in life from our family of origin and later from experiences we have with people we encounter such as friends, teachers, coaches, etc. Women have the added burden of unrealistic beauty standards that are reinforced at every turn through the media and established cultural norms.

It is no wonder that we develop an inner critic that chastises us when we are not living up to these powerful messasges that we have been exposed to. As a result, life becomes a series of "shoulds" and we find ourselves losing the battle of living up to past and current expectations. You know some of the obvious ones, "I should be thinner, quieter, prettier, do more, work harder," but there are many, many more.

So, you ask, is it possible to change how we feel about ourselves? YES!!!Good self-esteem takes work both to build it and keep it at a healthy level. Remember, how we feel about ourselves will impact our world view and actions. We have talked about some of the ways to do this in earlier blogs related to positive thinking strategies. Below are a few more self-esteem boosters that will help you feel more positive and empowered!

SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTERS

1. Surround yourself with positive and nurturing people: This might seem easy but it can be difficult to find people who are positive about themselves and life. Start looking for those who boost you up and minimize your contact with those who put you down.

2. Do something you do well everyday: Is there an activity or task you perform that makes you feel good about yourself? It might be as simple as cleaning out a drawer, participating in a hobby you love, taking a walk, or talking with a friend. Plan at least one of these activities each day.

3. Create an affirmation journal: At least once a day, write a list of positive actions you have taken and qualities you notice about yourself. You can start by answering the following questions: a) I feel good when I do.....b)I felt good today because I....c)I am really good at....d)One of my talents is....

4. Monitor your inner dialogue: When you hear self-critical dialogue, answer it back and move on. So for instance, if you hear, "You are such a loser!", immediately say, "I am not!!! I'm doing the best I can." Countering negative self-talk with positive statements is a winning strategy.

5. Eliminate "shoulds": "Shoulds" keep us stuck in one place usually because they are impossible goals to reach. Keep a log of all the "shoulds" you have in a day and start to work on them one-by-one.

6. Identify positive qualities and strengths: You can do this in a few ways. Google "positive quality list", print it out, and circle those that you have. It is easier to identify these when you have a list. Also, Dr. Seligman at Authentic Happiness (www.authentichappiness.com) has a variety of quick assessments you can take to help with this. He has a
"Strengths Test" that might be quite useful for this activity. Once you have done this, notice them!!

7. Learn something new everyday: Whether it is a new word or information from an article, it can boost your confidence in everyday life. Feeding your brain with new information helps develop new brain cells and builds your repertoire of knowledge which always boosts your self-confidence, particularly in social circles.

8. Concentrate on aspects you like about yourself: We all have a specialty. Maybe you are a really great cook, helpful neighbor, team player at work, master gardner or carpenter, or great friend. Refresh your thoughts often with your likeable qualities. We often spend too much time thinking about all of our negative characteristics.

Success is an inside job....

I remember a professor in one of my courses, some years back, presented findings on a study conducted by Dr. Martin Seligman on how positive mental attitude (PMA) impacts performance. So he studied PMA with sales agents at a major life insurance company. His findings discovered that those agents who anticipated a positive reponse outsold those who had a more negative outlook by 37%!! Even those agents who failed the entrance exam but who had high performance expectations, outsold the average insurance agent!!

In order to change our lives, we must first change our thinking. I have heard it said that we have up to 50,000 thoughts per day and about 70-80% of them are negative! If we are looking for positive results, we need to start challenging these thoughts. This practice is about both limiting our incessant negative self-talk and creating a new inner voice that tells us anything is possible!

Below are some strategies to start practicing. I can truly say PMA strategies have changed my life. Start taking control of your thoughts and see what happens!

1. Thought Awareness - Start to notice your self-talk. Pay attention to your inner voice or even the outer comments you make under your breath sometimes. You know the ones..."What an idiot, I can't do that, I might as well just give up, I'm such a loser." When you catch yourself, simply reverse the thought and replace it with a positive one.

2. Thought Diversion - When you are confronted with negative thoughts, change it to something else. Think of someone special, something funny, or a task you will be doing later. Sometimes it is easier to change a thought by actually doing something. When you start a task, your mind focuses on that instead of the thought.

3. Positive Affirmations - Create a positive statement you can use at anytime and anywhere. For instance, let's say you have a new career goal of starting a new business, and negative thoughts keep creeping in doubting your ability to be successful. A very simple statement such as, "I will be successful" will work. Knock out the negativity by repeating this statement over and over again. This will have an impact on your subconscious mind as well and eventually it will become a more automatic thought.

4. Surround Yourself With Positive People - Spend time with people who are positive, successful, and supportive. Ask them about their PMA and how they developed it. Ask them to support you in your goals and pursuits.

5. Educate Yourself - Go to the book store and find books that talk about ways to develop positive thinking. One example is Dr. Seligman's book titled, "Learned Optimism...How to Change Your Mind and Your Life." There are many books that can teach you all sorts of strategies and others that introduce you to people who have achieved their dreams with PMA.

Good luck and have a great day...because it will be a good day!!!

All You Need is Love

I spent most of this morning in my car driving to various appointments and meetings.  I began to wonder why the radio stations were playing so many love songs, and then when I stopped for gas the attendant wished me a Happy Valentine's Day!  Oh, right.  What's the matter with me?  Of course, since I have had a long-term aversion to Hallmark holidays, I did not have this highlighted in my calendar.  My husband and I feel the same way (Whew!) about holidays, it usually passes us by without fanfare (okay, maybe one delectible, pink cook or chocolate treat).  However, after hearing several Beattle songs in a row, you know the ones -- Can't Buy Me Love, Love Me Do, All You Need is Love -- I realized I wanted to blog about LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

How would you describe love?  Is it passion, adoraton, respect, devotion, friendship, affection, kindness, desire, romance? Has it changed during different stages of your life? How would you describe the different types of love you feel for a family member, friend, or life partner?

In my own life, the concept of love has changed almost with each decade of my life. At the beginning, my notion of love was intertwined with early life experiences (thank you Mr. Freud). Yes, I looked for love in all the wrong places (as Edddy Murphy once said in his long-ago Saturday Night Live song). I thought love was about romance, good sex, and companionship, and to some degree those are important. And of course I picked partners who could give me some of that, but I soon realized I was looking for something more (and so were they!), a deeper and more expansive connection. I feel lucky that through therapy and life coaching, I have learned to meet many of my own needs and decide on the qualities I so desire in another person. It has taken a long time, but I found what I believe is true love. I think there is no limit to love, however, and I continue to explore this in my own life.

I do not profess to know alot about Buddhism but I am reading and learning more everyday. I think there is much we can learn about love from this world philosopy. Buddhism talks about the importance of developing love and compassion for others first; and then, we naturally develop our own sense of well-being. It also talks about the experience of love being associated with not just beauty and romance but with pain and ugliness. This notion of universal love, is about accepting the good and the bad and being open to the wholeness of life. I like this!

So today, on this LOVE day, I have learned this: Love starts with reaching outside of ourselves, developing a healthy sense of self, and understanding that it is a balance of pleasure and pain. Something to definitely ponder. Whether you have love in your life or not, it is a great day to start thinking about your own definition of love. Love can come and go but our passion for true love starts with knowing what it is for you. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Ten Ways to Build Healthy Relationships

Oprah Winfrey said:  "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." My interpretation of this is simple:  people who really care about you are there through thick and thin!.  I'm sure many of you have experienced the lonely place of watching someone, who you thought was a "good" friend, walk away or not be there for you when you needed them.  If you have encountered something like this, take the time to reflect on what is important to you in a relationship. Who are the people you want in your life?  What qualities are important to you in a relationship?  How do you play a role in establishing and maintaining relationships?  The health of any relationship is really up to us.  Take a look at the list below and see if there is something new you can try:

1. Make a list of the qualities you want in others - What do you value in another person?  Is it reliability, positivity, humor, honesty, or flexibility.  Think about someone who is a good friend and make a list of their characteristics that make them special. Make a list and then go to #2.
2. Choose your friends wisely - This is crucial to developing satisfying relationships.  Use the list you created in #1 and choose accordingly. You won't find all of your qualities in just one person because we have different types of relationships who have different characteristcs.  For instance, you might value 'fun' and have a friend you love going to the movies with but would never share your deepest feelings. 'Trust' is also very important to you and you may have a long-term friend who is very trustworthy and you tell her everything! Identifying these qualities makes it much easier to evaluate both seasoned and new relationships. 
3. Be responsible for your own happiness - You are solely in control of your own happiness.  Relationships can break down when we expect others to make us happy and then blame them when we are not. Make yourself happy...no one else can do this for you.
4. Nurture your relationships - Just like a flower that needs good soil, sun, and water, our connections with others require nutrients.  Reaching out through a telephone call, email, or visit are some ways to initiate contact.  Sitting home and hoping the relationship will grow without any action is unrealistic.
5. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly - Often, we hope others will automatically notice what we need and magically give us what we want.  Most people I know are not mind-readers!  Letting others know what it is you need is the best way to get what you want and to build trust.
6. Listen - Effective listening requires quiet time and this inevitably involves shutting down...electronically that is.  This can be quite difficult, I know, but it will tell others you are really interested in them.
7. Recognize that all relationships have peaks and valleys - There is no perfect relationship.  As individuals, we have our own daily ups and downs.  Relationships are no different.  Understanding this will help you control your reactions.  Sometimes space and time is all a relationship needs to move forward.
8. Enhance relationships by bringing in new interests - It's normal for people to get bored and for relationships get stale.  Sign up for a class, take up a new leisure activity, read a new book together and definitely have fun!
9. Provide support - Support can come in many forms.  Whether you are listening to another's problems, helping with errands, or giving a hug, supporting each other is one of the many blessings of a friendship.
10. Check your expectations - Remember that our expectations of others can be unrealistic.  As emphasized earlier, identify what you would like in a relationship, make sure it is practical, and use this as a gauge for developing healthy and meaningful relationships.

Do you have a Life Map?

Yesterday, I attended an important business meeting. I did not realize how important it was until I was driving home and got stuck on the highway for 45 minutes.  Aah, lots of time to think!!  The original purpose of the meeting was, yes, to network, but I like keeping up with new business trends, and the morning was spent on just that.  I learned lots of great technical information, and I met many new business associates.  On top of that, quite unexpectedly, I was invited to interview for an interesting consulting role with a prestigious organization in my area.  I listened with great enthusiasm about this potential role.  I jumped at the opportunity and we set up a time to meet.  What an incredibly productive meeting.  I pulled out of the parking garage feeling high as a kite and butterflys in my stomach.

Here comes the but part, of course.  As my trip home continued, my butterflys turned into a rather annoying stomach ache, and it did not have anything to do with the traffic jam.  It has taken a very long time for me to start to listen to my intuition, and it was speaking to me. 

Several years ago, I developed a Life Map, or Vision as it is called sometimes, that is clear, direct, and based on very significant personal and professional values.  When I tend to steer away from it, my intuition screams and says something like, "Don't do it.  You know better.  Sure, the money might be great but it's not part of your plan."  Notoriously, I get a stomach ache!  My vision statement has helped me make small and major life decisions.  It is a concrete, technical, value-laden  plan that is steeped in a strong belief about who I am and what I want my life to look like. 

The Lama Thubeten Yeshe Rinpoche said, "If you have a map, you won't get lost."  This describes his perspective on why Tibetan Buddhism is alive and well today.  It has a clear path outlined in its Four Noble Truths, providing a structure from beginning to end.  Without knowledge, belief, and structure, one cannot go all the way (The Pocket Tibetan Buddhism Reader by Reginald A. Ray).  Having a life vision is a structured plan that can help you go all the way!

Do you have a Life Vision?  Have you thought about what is missing from your life?  Do you feel your life has purpose and meaning?  Understanding this is the key to living a satisfying, fufilled, and meaningful life.   Creating your life vision or map will take you all the way.  For help, check out my website and send me an email or call and we can talk more about it. 

PS - I have decided not to follow through with the interview! Not easy but right for me.

For more information on the Four Noble Truths:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths

Have You Experienced Workplace Bullying?

Workplace bullying is a national phenomenon.  Approximately 49% of adult workers admit to being a victim of mistreatment and 72% of bullies outrank the victim.  In other countries there are now laws to protect employees from psychological abuse.  Unfortunately, there are none in the U.S. but since 2003, 18 states have introduced the Healthy Workplace Bill (HWB)(see link below).  So what is workplace bullying?

According to the Healthy Workplace Bill organization, "workplace bullying  is repeated, health-harming mistreatment of one or more persons (the targets) by one or more perpetrators that takes one or more of the following forms:"

• Verbal abuse.
• Offensive conduct/behaviors (including nonverbal) which are threatening, humiliating or intimidating
• Work interference – sabotage – which prevents work from getting done

The Workplace Bullying Institute (see link below) identifies 25 tactics used by bullies such as spreading rumors or gossip, plagiarism, humiliation, silent treatment, non-verbal intimidation (staring), verbal aggression (yelling) and being labeled as insubordinate for not following policies that are non-existent.  For a complete list, go to one of the links below.

I have been personally and professionally interested in this topic for a variety of reasons.  As a life coach, I have had clients share personal experiences of work abuse impacting their health and careers.  Most of these women cannot leave their jobs as the economy has made it difficult to find new positions.  Second, the majority of people who are abused are women by women superiors.  My career is about helping women find purpose, passion and life satisfaction.  It is a real area to be addressed. Finally, yes, I have been a victim of workplace bullying and feel strongly about helping other women.  It can be a lonely, stressful, hopeless place to be, for sure, but there are wonderful organizations and websites that can give you more information and ways to cope.  Most importantly, you will find that you are not alone and you did nothing wrong. Find someone to talk to and seek professional help if stress symptoms are increasing.

I am interested in your personal experiences.  Please respond to my blog or to my email at redefineyourlifeafter45.com with your story. 

http://www.workplacebullying.org/

http://www.healthyworkplacebill.org/

Cheers to a New Year....

And another chance to get it right! (Oprah Winfrey).  But how do you get it right?  There is endless information about why resolutions do not work as well as steps on how to be successful.  But if you are like me, you have made numerous resolutions that have not been met with success. Of course, there are many reasons for this, as my goggle search indicates.  But the one I want to talk about today has actually helped me and my clients to make incredible changes.  It all has to do with our brains and a chemical called Dopamine which is central to the reward system. It is associated with the pleasure system of the brain, which produces feelings of enjoyment and motivates one to perform certain activities.

Rebecca Skloot, a well-known science writer, wrote an article for O Magazine a few years ago titled, “Why is it so Damn Hard to Change?”  Her research led her to a process that takes place in your brain.  Dopamine, according to Skloot, tells your brain what you want, then motivates us to get it regardless of whether it is good for you or not.  An example of this process might start with a dark, nugget-filled piece of candy (you will have to substitute your own temptation if this does not work for you).  I decide to take a bite of my candy, which gives me great pleasure, and this produces a Dopamine surge.  Some of that chemical travels to the part of the brain that creates memories and registers this candy with getting a reward. Even though I might think about how bad the candy was for me to eat, given I am trying to eat more nutritiously, my brain registers a “Dopamine Jackpot!”  Dopamine also then travels to another part of the brain that controls desire, decision-making, and motivation.  So, the next time I see a piece of chocolate my brain releases a surge of Dopamine that motivates me to eat the chocolate.  When you eat it your brain releases even more Dopamine which just reinforces this cycle.  Skilled states, “This is exactly how habits form.”  Eventually, you may get dopamine surges just walking by the candy isle or even seeing a candy wrapper! 

 So what does all this mean for the new year?  First, if you understand this cycle you might not be so hard on yourself if you fall off the wagon.   There is something biological going on after all! This doesn’t let you off the hook, however.   For instance, having SMART goals – Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Reliable, and Timely – is important.  And, of course, there is great advice on the internet to guide you when designing your plan.  But, understanding the Dopamine cycle gives you a lot more control to influence your habits and to create healthy ones.   The secret is identifying rewards for a behavior that engages the Dopamine system so your brain connects the positive outcome with it.  Yes, we can actually trick our brains!! So, in 2011, my new behavior will be to walk for 30 minutes at 3 times a week with a manicure at the end of the week if I have accomplished my goal. This should give me a really nice Dopamine surge that will reinforce my exercise plan.   Actually I think I feel a surge just thinking about it!  What will it be for you?  Pick the behavior you want and reward it with something meaningful.  Is it more exercise? Losing weight? Managing your finances more effectively?  Change is possible!  Reward yourself and see what happens.  To see the entire article, check out the link below.  Happy New Year!  

http://rebeccaskloot.com/why-is-it-so-damn-hard-to-change/